Cream of Consciousness

Seen on the back of a Toyota Tercel in Washington Township:

Ok, I'm going to get a little crass for this rant. If you have a low tolerance for YUCK then read no further, and take a look at this. The target of my venom is toilet paper manufacturers. Yes, that's right toilet paper manufacturers. I'm sick and tired of toilet paper dispensers in public restrooms that cut you off after dispensing only 2-3 squares. Unless you're an Oompa Loompa you have to keep pulling on the roll to get an adequate amount. At the hospital where I work (and many other healthcare settings) the toilet paper comes out of the dispensers in single sheets like the napkins from the dispenser at McDonald's. Oh, that's another thing. There are no paper towel dispensers in McDonald's restaurants (term used VERY loosely). I realize that it eliminates waste and is good for the environment and all that, but what the Hell good does one of those air dryer things do me when my daughter's face is covered with a sticky mix of ketchup/mustard/sweet and sour sauce that has the texture and adhesive properties of polyurethane glue?

Where was I? Oh, toilet paper. Then there are those ridiculous Charmin commercials with the dancing bears that inform us that "less is more". Like I'm supposed to make personal hygiene decisions based on the advice of freakin' Yogi and BooBoo. I'm wiping sh** off my ass for cripessakes! If I want to fu**king mummify my arm with toilet paper before going in it's my prerogative! Give me ultra absorbent! Give me 2-ply! Give me Teflon coated! Anything necessary to form the necessary protective layer.

We had a discussion at work the other day about popular songs in commercials. We were debating whether or not they were appropriate and/or effective. I went home and watched some TV and thought about it some more. I came to the following conclusions/observations:

5, 6, 7, 8's "Woo Hoo" product: Vonage VOIP service

Cool song, also on Kill Bill soundtrack, no direct connection to product, but the footage looks like a cross between "America's Funniest Home Videos" and "Jackass"

Five for Fighting "100 Years" product: Chase Bank credit cards

Nice song, excerpted lyrics and instrumental parts fit the video footage, idea of marking the milestones of your life by applying for credit cards is stupid

U2 "Vertigo" product: Apple iPod

They're selling a music player for cripes sake, so it's hard to screw this one up-commercial was minimalist and yet really featured the product

Bobby Darin "Beyond the Sea" product: Carnival Cruise Lines

A classic tune from a crooner, a classy product, it works; however...

Iggy Pop "Lust for Life" product: Royal Caribbean Cruise Lines

Ok the song sounds cool, but the lyrics talk about drinking, using drugs and (possibly) bizarre sexual practices-not what I remember happening on the Love Boat, and similarly...

Sixpence None the Richer "There She Goes" product: Orthro-Evra

The song describes the experience of shooting up heroin-in an ad for birth control!?!?!?

Robert Palmer "Simply Irresistible" product: Applebee's "Irresist-a-bowls"

This is just a bad pun and a sad footnote to his career-he obviously had no say in this, but you still feel embarrassed for him

Applebee's deserves a special award of shame. They also twisted "Take This Job and Shove It" into "Take this steak and top it".

Lynyrd Skynyrd "Sweet Home Alabama" product: Kentucky Fried Chicken

Huh? Am I missing something?

We were in Vermont for a week. I'm at work, and I don't have too much time to write, so here are the Cliff Notes: green mountains, beautiful scenery, mild weather, blue skies, Lake Champlain, moose, great coffee (per my wife), Friendly's on every freakin' corner (like Wawa in New Jersey), maple syrup, Ben and Jerry's, teddy bears, birthday party, cheesecake, jelly bean, BOOM!

Sorry for channeling REM there for a moment, but it was better than lapsing into "We Didn't Start the Fire".