Cream of Consciousness

Breakfast Science

2005-09-23T14:44:00.000-05:00

While snacking at work today I had the opportunity to compare the nutritional information on a box of Kellogg's Frosted Strawberry Low Fat Pop Tarts with the same data on a box of Unfrosted Strawberry Low Fat Pop Tarts. What did I discover? Do your own comparison:

Note: Both pastries appeared identical in size and filling volume.

Frosted
Nutrition Facts
Serving Size 1 pastry (52.0g)

Amount Per Serving
Calories 191 Calories from Fat 27

Unfrosted
Nutrition Facts
Serving Size 1 pastry (52.0g)

Amount Per Serving
Calories 192 Calories from Fat 26

Now I'm sure you've reached the same conclusion I did. It's obvious; Kellogg's has invented a chemical that, when applied, actually LOWERS the caloric content of food. At this time, however, it is only stable in a frosting base. Still, its applications are mindboggling. Just think what could be done to Cinnabons! I’m off to the Acme to begin swiping the frosting packets from boxes of Toaster Strudel- in the name of science.

A gruesome scene...

2005-09-21T08:59:00.000-05:00

Note: No person was harmed during the course of this incident.

I was cleaning the sink yesterday, and I noticed an odd smell coming from the drain (onions, tuna, yogurt and God knows what else). With the water running, I flipped on the garbage disposal and reached for the liquid dish detergent. I've found that if I squirt a little down the drain while the disposal and water are running it foams up and cleans out whatever is down there. We had one of those tall bottles of Ajax detergent, and I accidentally bumped it with my forearm, knocking it into the sink where it slid into the drain top down. The disposal was still running and the part of the bottle sticking out of the drain shook and bounced violently. I turned off the disposal and pulled the bottle from the drain. The spout/top had been completely lopped off, and the pinkish-red detergent was now gushing out of the hole like blood from a severed limb. I salvaged what I could by pouring it into an empty Joy bottle that was also by the sink. It was the plastic top that was mangled. Just goes to show you how dangerous a garbage disposal can be.

My absence

2005-09-21T08:55:00.000-05:00

I've been MIA from the blog for awhile. My immediate supervisor has been away for 2 1/2 weeks, and I've been covering 2 positions at work. On top of that, my daughter just started kindergarten and I've been dropping her off every morning, so I've been unable to get into work early like I did in the summer. The end result has been less free time at the computer and thus, less time to post or reply.

Up, Up and Away!

2005-08-19T13:00:00.000-05:00

I installed Google Earth on my computer at work and have had fun zipping around the globe looking at satellite images of everything from my house to the Grand Canyon. You have a first person, overhead view as you lift off from one location and fly across the country (or around the world) to the next. I caught myself thinking, "This is what it must be like for Superman!" How nerdy is that?

Spell Check

2005-08-17T14:54:00.000-05:00

I was typing an assessment at work, and Microsoft Word did not recognize the word disempower. Instead it suggested the word disembowel. Well that would have radically altered the meaning of the sentence, so I politely clicked the Ignore button. Then I got to thinking... There really is no use for the antonym of disembowel. Has anyone ever "emboweled" another living being? There must be other words like this.

Those were the days...

2005-08-11T15:25:00.000-05:00

*Rob tagged me, so, here’s my list of things I miss from childhood. It echoes some of the things that others have mentioned.

Boy Scouts- I was heavily involved in Scouting from elementary school until the interests and temptations of adolescence took over (around age 15). I had a wealth of diverse and valuable experiences through scouting. I also learned a lot of skills that have long since atrophied, but at one point in time I was a competent camper/survivalist, lifeguard and naturalist. Sadly, I will have nothing to do with Scouting as an adult because of the organization’s position on homosexuality.

Bikes- My old 10-speed took me anywhere I needed to go. As an adult I rode quite avidly for exercise for a few years, but it just wasn’t the same as when the bike was my only means of wheeled transportation. Allowing me to ride on my own was one of the first clear examples of my parents trusting me to take care of myself.

Role-Playing Games- There was a span of time between 6th and 9th grade when my friends and I invested an obscene amount of time playing RPG’s. Mostly D&D, but we also played Rune Quest, Champions, Top Secret, Star Frontiers, Star Trek, Boot Hill and others I can’t recall at the moment.

Summers Off- Vacations are nice, but there was nothing like a 2-month break. You didn’t have to feel guilty about wasting a lazy summer day, and you had the time to work on long projects (like fort building!) My dad was a school teacher, so I got to spend a lot of time with him over the summer. This allowed us to take…

Long Vacations- (up to a month), and we camped across the country on one occasion and up the coast thorough the eastern provinces of Canada on another. We managed to travel through all 48 contiguous states seeing more of some than others. We visited the Grand Canyon and Yellowstone, but also lesser known but no less spectacular parks like Zion and Mesa Verde.

Wiffle Ball- We had a church field and the grounds of the local elementary school for countless games of baseball (and in the fall and winter, football) with the rules modified to fit the field of play, the available equipment and the number of players.

My Metabolism- I used to be able to (as the Coneheads said) consume mass quantities of food and drink with no ill effect. My metabolism kept up into my 20’s, but now I have to work harder (or more accurately workout harder) to compensate for my dietary indiscretions, and I just don’t have the time.

I’m not sure who hasn’t been tagged yet, so you all better stay on home base (and no electric lines!)

What the fu**!?

2005-08-11T15:21:00.000-05:00

Someone freakin' spammed my blog with an anonymous comment !!! Is nothing sacred!? I feel so dirty.

A blast from the past...

2005-08-03T14:22:00.000-05:00

Vineland is the home to New Jersey's only operating drive-in movie theater (I think). Open since last summer, the Delsea Drive-In operates nightly in the summer and offers a double feature for $6.00 ($3.00 for kids). This is great compared to the $8-10 you pay at the multiplexes. The movies are first-run; 2 weeks ago we saw "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" and "The Fantastic Four". Even the food at the snack bar is reasonable compared to what you pay at the indoor theaters. The facility is a work in progress. Last year they were working out of a catering wagon and port-a-pots, and now they have permanent structures for vending and restrooms. Gone are the tiny mono speakers you would hang on you car door. Now you simply tune to 90.5 FM and listen through your car radio. It's a long night, but a lot of fun. The more family-oriented movie is first, and if you're lucky the kids nod off before the second film begins around 11:00pm. I extend an invitation to all my friends to join us for a night at the drive-in. If Vineland is a bit of a trek for you to come for an evening, you are welcome to spend the night at our house after the movie. We live off exit 3 of the Turnpike at the top of the AC Expressway.

You get what you pay for...

2005-08-03T14:05:00.000-05:00

On the way back to the hospital today I stopped at the local ShopRite to get a drink. While walking past the "Bistro" counter I noticed a pyramid-like arrangement of pre-prepared foot-long hoagies. Above was a sign that in bold letters read, $1.99. "Hmmm... that's a mighty cheap lunch." I thought, and off to the self-service check-out I went with one and a 6-pack of Dr. Pepper. Well, let's just say that a $1.99 hoagie tastes just like you would expect. Having suffered through the $2.00 steak, the $2.00 lobster and the $1.99 crab cake, common sense should deter me from making such an unwise food choice, but no.

Great bumper sticker

2005-07-20T09:04:00.000-05:00

Seen on the back of a Toyota Tercel in Washington Township:

Jesus saves...

and takes half damage.

A Dirty Subject

2005-07-18T11:58:00.000-05:00

Ok, I'm going to get a little crass for this rant. If you have a low tolerance for YUCK then read no further, and take a look at this. The target of my venom is toilet paper manufacturers. Yes, that's right toilet paper manufacturers. I'm sick and tired of toilet paper dispensers in public restrooms that cut you off after dispensing only 2-3 squares. Unless you're an Oompa Loompa you have to keep pulling on the roll to get an adequate amount. At the hospital where I work (and many other healthcare settings) the toilet paper comes out of the dispensers in single sheets like the napkins from the dispenser at McDonald's. Oh, that's another thing. There are no paper towel dispensers in McDonald's restaurants (term used VERY loosely). I realize that it eliminates waste and is good for the environment and all that, but what the Hell good does one of those air dryer things do me when my daughter's face is covered with a sticky mix of ketchup/mustard/sweet and sour sauce that has the texture and adhesive properties of polyurethane glue?

Where was I? Oh, toilet paper. Then there are those ridiculous Charmin commercials with the dancing bears that inform us that "less is more". Like I'm supposed to make personal hygiene decisions based on the advice of freakin' Yogi and BooBoo. I'm wiping sh** off my ass for cripessakes! If I want to fu**king mummify my arm with toilet paper before going in it's my prerogative! Give me ultra absorbent! Give me 2-ply! Give me Teflon coated! Anything necessary to form the necessary protective layer.

Commercial Tunes

2005-07-15T15:12:00.000-05:00

We had a discussion at work the other day about popular songs in commercials. We were debating whether or not they were appropriate and/or effective. I went home and watched some TV and thought about it some more. I came to the following conclusions/observations:

5, 6, 7, 8's "Woo Hoo" product: Vonage VOIP service

Cool song, also on Kill Bill soundtrack, no direct connection to product, but the footage looks like a cross between "America's Funniest Home Videos" and "Jackass"

Five for Fighting "100 Years" product: Chase Bank credit cards

Nice song, excerpted lyrics and instrumental parts fit the video footage, idea of marking the milestones of your life by applying for credit cards is stupid

U2 "Vertigo" product: Apple iPod

They're selling a music player for cripes sake, so it's hard to screw this one up-commercial was minimalist and yet really featured the product

Bobby Darin "Beyond the Sea" product: Carnival Cruise Lines

A classic tune from a crooner, a classy product, it works; however...

Iggy Pop "Lust for Life" product: Royal Caribbean Cruise Lines

Ok the song sounds cool, but the lyrics talk about drinking, using drugs and (possibly) bizarre sexual practices-not what I remember happening on the Love Boat, and similarly...

Sixpence None the Richer "There She Goes" product: Orthro-Evra

The song describes the experience of shooting up heroin-in an ad for birth control!?!?!?

Robert Palmer "Simply Irresistible" product: Applebee's "Irresist-a-bowls"

This is just a bad pun and a sad footnote to his career-he obviously had no say in this, but you still feel embarrassed for him

Applebee's deserves a special award of shame. They also twisted "Take This Job and Shove It" into "Take this steak and top it".

Lynyrd Skynyrd "Sweet Home Alabama" product: Kentucky Fried Chicken

Huh? Am I missing something?

Vacation (all I ever wanted), vacation (had to get away)

2005-07-15T08:30:00.000-05:00

We were in Vermont for a week. I'm at work, and I don't have too much time to write, so here are the Cliff Notes: green mountains, beautiful scenery, mild weather, blue skies, Lake Champlain, moose, great coffee (per my wife), Friendly's on every freakin' corner (like Wawa in New Jersey), maple syrup, Ben and Jerry's, teddy bears, birthday party, cheesecake, jelly bean, BOOM!

Sorry for channeling REM there for a moment, but it was better than lapsing into "We Didn't Start the Fire".

Sith through this...

2005-05-19T15:43:00.000-05:00

In celebration of the release of the 6th film, recalculate your Star Wars name and check out the Star Wars pick-up line generator and the Yoda sex line generator.

Yours in the force,

Allfl Trbal, Lfmazda of Naproxen

Celebrity Match (not a game show)

2005-05-12T14:24:00.000-05:00

From the totally useless websites file...

With which celebrity are you most compatible? This site supposedly uses biorhythms (based on your birthdate) to match you with celebrities based on dimensions of physical, emotional and intellectual compatibility. You can also search for a specific celebrity and determine your compatibility with them.

You may have to use Google Images to find out who some of these people are.

You don't know the power... of this well balanced breakfast.

2005-05-05T14:12:00.000-05:00

There has been a glut of crappy Star Wars merchandise released in conjunction with each of the last 3 films. Some of it still shows up in the clearance aisles of K-mart or in lot stores like Big Lots and Amazing Savings. As recently as March I saw some Darth Maul figurine at the Big Lots in Pleasantville, NJ. The most ridiculous item was this JarJar Binks lollipop thingy that consisted of a plastic head on a stick with a button mechanism that opened the mouth and extended a candy tongue (google "JarJar", "candy" and "tongue" to see it- I promise you won't land on some weird Star Wars fetish porn site). It goes way beyond the standard action figures and vehicles that many of us have tucked away in our basement. Most of it is crap, but a few choice items are downright cool, including: the lightsaber spoon.

Available in many Kellogg cereals, it is a clear plastic spoon (removable for washing) that connects to a battery powered lightsaber base. It is available in red, green or blue. I pulled a red one out of my Frosted Flakes this morning. My daughter promptly and corrected stated, "Wow, you got the Darth Vader one Daddy!"

Just a little rant

2005-05-04T15:40:00.000-05:00

If you have medical insurance through Horizon, Aetna or Amerihealth chances are that responsibility for your mental health coverage has been carved out (contracted) to a company called Magellan. Like any managed healthcare organization, they have a set network of providers. Being treated by a professional outside of this network incurs significantly greater costs. Well for Cumberland County there is exactly one (1) in-network psychiatrist, and he has a 3 month waiting list. If you call Magellan and ask for a list of providers they will give you several names. but their provider network database is woefully out of date. It includes providers who are not taking new patients, providers who are no longer in private practice and even one doctor who's dead (that's right DEAD). If you have no provider locally, they will insist that you drive up to 45 minutes to an in-network provider. Getting authorization to see an out-of-network doctor at in-network rates requires patience, determination and stamina that most depressed folks don't have. Now Cumberland County is rural, but there are 3 good sized municipalities in the area (Vineland, Bridgeton and Millville) and a sizable population in need of a psychiatrist.

Why are there so few providers? The process of joining the provider network is an ordeal of hoop jumping and delays and many decide it's not worth the effort due to the reimbursement rates that Magellan is offering. The number of providers in more populous area is greater, but it is still inadequate to meet the needs of the population. Therapists (the gross majority not being medical doctors) are frequently in the position of knowing their clients are in need of medication, but being unable to refer them to a psychiatrist in a reasonable time frame.

Convenience

2005-05-04T13:02:00.000-05:00

Ok, I'm finally getting around to posting on this thing. God only knows how regularly I'll post, but here goes:

So we (me+wife+daughter) are driving up the New Jersey Turnpike to a birthday party last Saturday, and I'm seeing the signs for the rest areas, and I'm thinking, "Man, these oases (plural of oasis-didn't know 'til I looked up here) of convenience are the only places you can find a Roy Rogers, Popeye's Chicken or Bob's Big Boy restaurant anymore." I mourn the disappearance of each from the suburban landscape.

Roy Rogers served good burgers and that thinly sliced roast beef, but what kept me a regular customer was the Fixin's Bar. I would load up a sandwich with about 2 pounds of onions, pickles and BBQ sauce and eat the droppings off of the foil wrapper.

Popeye's served the best fast food fried chicken and a host of other deep fried items. Their spicy chicken was gooooood (Sho-nuff).

Big Boy's? 3 words: cheap breakfast buffet. 2 more words: hangover remedy.

Now I guess I could still eat at these places if I was willing to go to one of the Turnpike/Parkway rest areas, but my values forbid me to do so. I refuse to pay the inflated prices for everything from bottled water to No-Doz. Burgers, gasoline, frozen yogurt, sunglasses, generic tee-shirts with the the name of the state or local tourist trap, all annoyingly more than you will pay elsewhere.

Now I know what some people will say, (affected voice) "Your are paying for the convenience of not having to get off the highway, particularly in an unfamiliar area." Come on people! Convenience is cooking dinner in half the time, or cutting a half-hour off your commute, or paying all your bills with a few clicks of the mouse, or uploading 200 vacation pictures to Sam's Club, not saving the 2.5 minutes it takes to get off the highway and get back on again.

And it's not like you exiting the interstate and landing in the middle of Deliverance. Even the most remote areas generally have a few signs of civilization just off the highway. In fact there seems to be some law in all states south of Maryland that requires that a Cracker Barrel be constructed within 500 yards of every interstate exit. If you don't believe me look at the freebie franchise map available at any location. The little numbered circles are covering every square inch of Virginia, Kentucky and Tennessee. It appears that they've built them where the Stuckey's once stood. (Mmmmm... pecan log).

So no Fixin's Bar for me, and I feel good about my decision. It's a moral stand.

Footnote: They are starting to build Long John Silver's in Southern New Jersey (Mantua, Berlin, Willingboro, more on the way). Now if we could just get some Golden Corrals around here.

For the Horror Film Fans

2005-05-04T12:40:00.001-05:00

The sign for exit 32 off of Interstate 295 list such municipalities as Haddonfield (as in the Halloween movies) and Voorhees (as in Jason). It would be even cooler if there was a Krugerville too.